allmytears

what to do? what to do.

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 16:37:24 GMT

she's out of town for 2 weeks... i sort of feel free'd by this i think.
i can't be in a reralationship in witch i'm not in love with the other person.
i'm not in love with her. i'm just in love with the idea of being with someone.
i can't do this anymore; but i can't break my friends heart ether.

what to do...

boy did i ever mess this up.

i'm still in love with the same girl i've been in love with for the last three years.
she rejected me for her loser boyfriend... again.(she knows i love her, and they break up about every month or so...) mostly because she doesn't want to be alone; but she doesn't want to commit to me. so, after waiting 3 years and having my heart broken again. i've tryed to move on, only to get in a bigger mess...

i'm such a loser.

and on again...

Tue, 25 May 2004 15:11:51 GMT

well, we're on...
i asked her to back up and slow down.
she was sorry about sunday night. she wants to try to make this work; and so do i.
we're going to keep things slow, (i hope)

it's over

Mon, 24 May 2004 21:50:44 GMT

yep.... it's over.....
she's going out on a double date with someone else tonight...
it's a relief and a shot in the heart.
i kinda' feel better and know some ways to be more careful... but i was i hadn't added this 1 to the list of things/people i've done. and 2 it's going to be hard to be together for a while...

all my tears can't wash these thing away.

what have i done.

Mon, 24 May 2004 20:54:34 GMT

I started this journal so my friends wouldn't see it and i could still get things out.
I'm 22 allmost 23

so anyways..
i've been dating a merried woman.
(holy crap!)
I don't know how i got here other than i've just been lonly and depressed.
she acts like she cares, so i give in.
i'm doing phyical things with her i said i'd not do again before i got married...
i haven't had sex, but we have messed around alot.
she's been seporated from her husband for some time, and the devorce is almost finished.
she's hurting and lonly and we work together with some youth stuff. so we have alot of the same intrests...
so the last day or two i've been thinking, yeah this might workout. but last night, she'd had a drink or two, and wanted me to stay... we'd been messing around for a few hours, but i had to go back and stay at my house with my family. (mom and brother) (another complex mess) it was like 1 ish and i needed to go. she didn't want me to and was makeing it realy hard on me. (grabing me and kissing me and running her hands over me, etc...) i was about in tears knowing i had to go. i asked her to stop, and to not make my leaveing any harder than it was...
she shutdown on me and told me to get out. I just really had gotten my self commited to being with her. and had kind of caught up how i felt inside with what i was doing outside.

now i just feel like i've been hit by a train.
i can't talk to my friends, my family, no one...
this is killing me.

all my tears can't wash this away,
God save me...